My Will

To Will: Woofever you are. Congratulations on surviving this long given the numerous times I've yelled Fire at Will!

To my children, have I any: I have left you twenty dollars which you will find hidden under my mattress. 

To Grandma: Wait. You're already dead! That's right. There's no way you were gonna outlive me.

To the aliens: Wherever you are, you may be laughing because us humans haven't learned how to prevent death yet, but I dare you to stick a fork in a power outlet. Who's laughing now?

To the old lady whom used to stand at the door at Wal Mart and give me a pinch on the rear as I walked in: 

To my loved ones: Ten years ago I bought a bag of candy with twenty dollars I found under my mattress, this candy I leave for you.

To my fiance: If a plethora of other women all claim that they were my fiance, they are just hungry for attention. You were my real fiance. If they get really angry and start a brawl, you should just join in and I'm sure you will prove that you are the real fiance.

I wish to leave this earth on good terms with mostly everyone. You may have heard that I am a dirty rotten scoundrel, but I haven't heard that. Tell me to my face!

You may have thought some of the choices I made in life were stupid. But I challenge you to look in the mirror and ask yourself if they were really stupid choices.

At the funeral I would like Grandpa, if you are still alive, to play all seven verses of A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief on your harmonica. Then, I would like the congregation to sing Just Cry. That is my original composition for which you will find the lyrics written in my seminary journal. It is to the tune of Lady Gaga's Just Dance. 

Some of you have chosen not to be my friend because I am not very famous. But I have met some famous people and they didn't want to be my friend either. To you I also say that you have missed out. My friends have been promised many bountiful things in my other secret will that is hidden so well they will probably never be able to find it.